The Plunge That Almost Ended It

Artists of all mediums will go through a phase where they feel like giving up. Even successful artists, who make a lot of money from what they do, feel from time to time that they just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes, the things that pull us down pull us far harder than the things that keep us afloat. And sometimes we succumb to the pull, and find ourselves drowning.

There have been many times since leaving university that I have thought about giving up photography. So many, in fact, that I seem to be stuck in a constant stream of a desire to pack it all in. And there are many reasons that I feel this way. My equipment needs updating/expanding and I can’t afford to do it. There isn’t enough viable photographic work, so I have to work full time and that takes away from the time I can spend making and photographing. I have had my work passed over with no explanation or critique. I have had my work used and then attributed to someone else. I have been made to feel worthless, talent-less and that I am not being taken seriously by those who I thought would actually understand my desire to live off of my passion. And these are just a few things that have plagued me.

But, despite these dark thoughts, so far I have managed to keep a hand on the float and kept my head above water for long enough to continue. But the going hasn’t been easy, and my last plunge beneath the surface was almost the final straw.

Before I continue and talk about “the last plunge”, let me get one thing clear. I am not sharing my experience for pity, sympathy or advice, as I have already vowed to move forward and to learn from what happened. I am not sharing my experience to shame, upset or to point the finger at those responsible for instigating my feelings, and for that very reason, I will not be naming names or places. I am sharing my experience because it is time I did so, as part of the “healing process”, and because I want others to perhaps learn from my experiences. More than that, I want others going through similar situations to know that they are not alone and that there are ways to get through it – perhaps my method of “coping” will serve as a warning on how NOT to deal with the situation!

More than two years ago now, I was asked to be the photographer for a friend’s shoot. It was for her business, and I was really pleased and excited to be asked to help. She made it clear from the off that I was not going to be paid, it was just a favour, and I was ok with that. I needed some new material for my portfolio, a new string to my bow, and I thought that if we could help each other out, it would be good for both of us. I’d have new material, and she’d have photographs to advertise her new items. Win win!

As I said, I was really excited about the shoot. It was my first time photographing that type of shoot, and I desperately wanted it to go well. I had some ideas in my head, a plan of where to go, what to do, how to set things up… I figured I had it all in hand. But then something happened that I didn’t expect; something that I hadn’t prepared myself for mentally.

There was a second photographer present.

Now, I don’t really work well with a second; the reason being that I get uncomfortable with someone wandering around taking pictures while I am trying to direct. Having someone else hovering, wanting to get their own poses in, is incredibly distracting for me and I find that it makes me anxious. I have, for a long time, suffered from social anxiety, and the camera was always a way for me to overcome this, because I felt that I had a purpose. As it stands, when I have someone attempting to second me, I often feel that sense of purpose is being eroded away. Why am I here? Why do I need a second? Is it because they don’t trust me? These kinds of questions filter into my mind and make it incredibly uncomfortable for me. So I simply haven’t conquered my anxieties to a point where I am comfortable sharing a shoot yet.

But, nobody asked if I was happy with it beforehand, and told me that the second was there to take some behind-the-scenes images. Still uncomfortable, as I had been taken unawares, but not wanting to let my friend down, I let it slide and said “oh ok, no worries”. I pretended that it didn’t bother me. And I have gotten very good at pretending to be ok.

Looking back now, I really wish I hadn’t.

The second was actually seconding, and I quickly felt that I had no control. I lost focus, desperately trying to deal with my discomfort while at the same time trying to keep everyone, including the second, happy. Instead of taking control and saying “This is what we’re going to do”, I was saying things like “I’d like to do this, is that ok?”. I was relinquishing control, something that a first photographer should never do. At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for my friend in trying to keep this other photographer happy. but it was NOT the best move to make on my part. Instead of addressing the problems I was having, I let them slide and I did not come out of the shoot with any sort of good feelings about it. I felt like a walk-over; that I was merely hanging on to a branch being dragged along a raging river. On reflection, I should have aired my problems to my friend, and perhaps tried to work out a way to make things better. But I didn’t want to make a fuss, and just figured that the second would respect my experience and position. After all, this person had no formal training and was supposedly only there to “back me up”. It didn’t feel that way. Ultimately, there was a lot that I missed, and I did not feel that I got the best out of the shoot.

But, I was still determined to do well for my friend. I went home and I spent a couple of weeks editing the images. I went back over the images several times during those weeks, working and reworking them until I was happy with them. However, during this time, I felt a lot of pressure to hurry up and that did not make me feel particularly good about things. While I was told “there’s no hurry”, I was also queried frequently on how I was doing and when I thought I might be finished. Now, before you say anything bear in mind the following: 1) I was not being paid for these images, so paid work and my day-job had to take precedence; 2) as I mentioned, I have a day-job, I am not a full-time photographer at the moment; and 3) I was given no deadline, even when I specifically asked if there was one. I did the best I could given the circumstances. But then came the second blow.

My friend published images on Facebook from the second photographer before I had a chance to send her the final edits.

This did two things. First off, it completely undermined my position as “first photographer”, making me wonder what the point of me being there was. The reason I was given is that she wanted to get something out for her Page fans by such-and-such a date, but I was never told this. Second, it actually hurt my feelings. Rather than coming to me with “we need something by this date, can you do it?”, the sharing came out of nowhere with no chat about it. It made me feel worthless, and like my experience meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. I wondered why I had been asked to be first photographer, when I wasn’t being treated like it. I felt insecure in my abilities and actually, a little betrayed. The whole idea had been to help each other, promoting each other’s work, and now there were someone else’s pictures in the equation. I was deeply saddened, but YET AGAIN, I said nothing.

Now, I do get it – it’s her business and she can run it how she likes. However, I do expect a certain level of professional courtesy, even when I’m doing favours for free. It really stung that she would allow this to happen. It’s fine, I said to myself, I’ll send her my pictures in time for the main launch and everything will be great!

It didn’t quite happen that way.

When I did send her the images, I waited excitedly to see what she would do with them. Would she make posters as she had done with some of her photos in the past? Would she make one her profile picture and link to my Page? Would I be taken seriously as a photographer and see some interest in my work?

No.

When my pictures finally did make it on the the web, I was absolutely heartbroken. So much so, that I nearly cried. Why? Because only two of the twenty-odd images I sent her were published, and the images that werepublished had been edited, with what looked like some kind of filter, to look like the second photographer’s. Without my knowledge or permission. And they looked horrible. I HATED them. I was mortified. I felt betrayed. But worse than that, I felt worthless. Pointless. I had no value. A waste of air. A meaningless lump of meat. They didn’t take me seriously. I felt absolutely destroyed. Because she was my friend, and I had been made to feel like nothing. And still, I SAID NOTHING. I didn’t feel that I could. After all, I did it for free. It was her business. What right did I have to tell her how to use my images? Ones that I had said “do what you like with them”. What rights did I have? So I stayed quiet, while my name and business was attributed to images that I thought looked hideous and I would NEVER make EVER in my lifetime.

Well, the silly thing is, I was completely wrong to do this, because I DID have a right. I COULD have said something. And I would have been legally backed up in doing so. Without specific instruction that someone can edit your pictures, any changes to images that you have not authorised is an infringement of copyright. This kind of change to my pictures was potentially damaging to my image and reputation. So I SHOULD have said something. I SHOULD have told her how I felt. I should have explained that she had HURT me, both as a business, AND as a friend.

I came out of that situation feeling that I had no place in the creative world. My self-confidence was destroyed. By changing my images to look like someone else’s, I was basically being told that I wasn’t good enough. But the worst part was, she didn’t even come to me and tell me that it wasn’t what she wanted. If she had just said something, I could have made changes. Changes that didn’t involve burning out of parts of the image and over-dodging others. Changes that didn’t give certain colours a nasty over-saturation. Changes that didn’t involve me DESPISING what was being published.

I was hurting, and I really felt like giving up. I thought about it every day; the desire to sell my camera, my reflectors and my lenses was so strong. I couldn’t bare to touch my camera equipment. I didn’t even want to LOOK at my camera, because every time I did, I felt an overwhelming urge to cry. Was I really so bad at photography that I couldn’t GIVE my services away? But still, I said nothing. For a whole year I held my feelings inside. At one point I tried to get her to take my name off of them, telling her that “I felt bad because it wasn’t really my work”. I told her that I felt as though I were a fraud for taking the credit for work that wasn’t technically mine. I pinned the blame and heartache on myself. That probably didn’t help matters in my head – I began to wonder if I WAS being an arsehole. Was I being completely thoughtless and mean by hating what she had done and wanting nothing to do with it? In the end, she changed the wording a little, but I still wasn’t happy. My name was still associated with images that I couldn’t stand. I refuse to share them. I will only share my original photographs (with links to her Page, of course, I’m not a complete dick), because I will not allow myself to be credited to an image that I hate.

To this day, she still doesn’t know how hurt I was by her actions. She doesn’t know how sad it makes me that I was so excited about it, only to have suffered nothing but pain for the last year or so. Do I think she purposefully hurt me? Not at all. Do I think her actions, and the actions of the second photographer, were thoughtless and didn’t consider the consequences? Sadly, yes. Am I ever going to tell her? Probably not, but I am not going to photograph for her again either. Especially after the second photographer made comments to my husband that I “need to remember that I am not the only one with those skillsets” and that I “need to stop taking things so seriously”.

Those comments hurt just as much as the actions regarding my images. Because it IS serious for me. It IS a big deal. And I KNOW that I am not the only one. That’s the very reason why I have spent twelve years trying to better myself and my knowledge; so that I can be worth investment. So that I can compete in an over-saturated market. So that I can get my work out there and seen by people. THAT is why it is serious for me. Not because I think I’m better than others, but because I know I am not, and I want to learn to be better. What happens if she reads this? Well, that’s up to her. The whole reason I am where I am now, is because I didn’t want to make a fuss. As I said earlier, I’m only sharing this so that I can get it out there and start to move on from it. So if she does read it, I leave that ball in her court. I valued her friendship above making a fuss regarding my work, and I hope she understands that and gets why I felt I couldn’t come to her about it. If she doesn’t, if it makes her angry and she doesn’t want to be my friend any more, than I guess that’s fine. I will be disappointed of course, but sometimes things have to run in a certain way. We just have to accept it and keep slogging forward.

So there you have it. How NOT to deal with this kind of situation! If the person you are working for is a friend, TELL THEM when things aren’t working or are damaging you. If they’re truly a friend, they will understand where you are coming from. And if they don’t, then perhaps you’ll have to walk away; it’s not possible to work well with everyone, and there is no shame in walking away and saying “we aren’t compatible in this”. If you just let it slide, the problem will only get worse and you will come out of it feeling hurt at best, or completely giving up at worst. And if you truly love your craft, you should never be made to feel that way by a friend, but if you don’t tell them, then they will never really understand. At least, by nipping it in the bud, you can save both of you pain and discomfort in the long run.